The Jokes on UU!

During Church School, the teacher asks if anyone can explain what Easter is. A little boy waves his hand, so wanting to be called on. The teacher says, "Ok, Johnny, what is Easter?" Johnny begins, "Easter is that time of year when the whole family gathers around a table with a turkey to giver thanks for the blessings of a good harvest." "Ah, Johnny, not quite. That is Thanksgiving, but a good description. Does anyone know what Easter is?" A Little girl raises her hand. "Easter is that time of the year when the family all gathers around a tree to sing carols and put decorations on the tree and they all give presents." "Well, maybe a bit closer, but not quite. Would anyone else like to venture a guess?" Another little girl of course knew the answer. "It is the time after Jesus died when the stone at his grave was rolled back, and Jesus started to go up to heaven and looked back down and saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks." Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs? Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the words. Coffee, Coffee, Coffeeby Christopher Gist Raible (sung to Holy, Holy, Holy)   Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Praise the strength of coffee. Early in the morn we rise with thoughts of only thee. Served fresh or reheated, Dark by thee defeated, Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly. Though all else we scoff we Come to church for coffee; If we're late to congregate, we come in time for thee. Coffee our one ritual, Drinking it habitual, Brewed black by perk or drip instantly. Coffee the communion Of our Uni-Union, Symbol of our sacred ground, our one necessity. Feel the holy power At our coffee hour, Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly. I am The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian by Christopher Gist Raible Sung to " I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from " Pirates of Penzance". I am the very model of a modern Unitarian, Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian. I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical. I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological, On existential questions I am always wholly logical, About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views, I'm full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews. (Chorus members: We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews. We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews. We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty empty pews.) I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological. I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute I'm chastely ecological. In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material, I am the very model of a modern Unitarian. (Chorus members: In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material, We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.) I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord, But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word. I never pray, I meditate, I'm leary about worshipping. I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything. I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car, I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are). I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety, Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety. (Chorus members: Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety. Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety. Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.) I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em, But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.In short in matters spiritual, ethical, material, I am the very model of today's religious liberal. (Chorus members: In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material, We are the very model of today's religious liberal.) The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?" "I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply. "But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher. "They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done." Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job. "So he drives to a nearby United Church and repeats the question: "Pastor, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, "replies the pastor, "but what's a Lamborghini." "Gosh, Pastor, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job." So he drives a little further along and comes to a UU meeting house and finds the minister. "I was wondering whether you would be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to.  But . . . . what's a 'blessing'?" A rabbi, a UU minister, and a Wiccan priestess decide to go on a fishing trip together. They go down to their local lake, rent a boat, and go out on to the lake for a day of fishing.  As the afternoon approached, the trio became hungry - and realized that they had left their lunches on the shore of the lake. The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down ... beginning to eat his lunch. "You should have gotten all of our lunches!", scolds the priestess. She then gets up, walks across the lake, picks up her lunch as well as the Rabbi's, walks back across the lake, and sits down ... handing the rabbi his afternoon meal. The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. Finally, he manages to sputter.. "Wha.. what... how did you...?" The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?" The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "... what rocks?" A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight. "You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there." So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn. The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith." Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there." So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door. It was the cow and the pig. . . A woman goes into a fabric store and asks the clerk for some nice soft lacy material for her wedding night nightie. The clerk says "About two yards ought to do that!" and the woman says "Oh no, I will need about fifty yards."" The clerk says "Fifty? But surely that is way too much?" The woman says "I know, but my fiance is a Unitarian and he would rather seek than find." HOW MANY Unitarians DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?  We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. The Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people, while the Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned. The Kindergarten class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen." Does anyone know what "amen" means, the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "send." A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?" "I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage. "Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!" What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Somebody who knocks at your door for no apparent reason. "The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian." - Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077

Thanks to the First Unitarian Congregation of Toronto

To Site Home Page:http://www.uuottawa.com/ Updated: March 04, 2004