Q: We are a couple in love, but are from different
religious faiths. Will this be an obstacle to our getting married in a
religious ceremony?
As a couple you bring a variety of religious beliefs and customs from
your past. We can craft a service reflecting meaningful aspects of those
religious traditions. Even if one of you has no church experience, the
service will still be a "religious" service because
"religion is meaning- making." Muslims, Jews, Christians,
Buddhists, Hindus, and even pagans and agnostics, can have meaningful
religious services.
You do not have to be Unitarian. Most couples we marry stay in their
original church. We help couples to name those things about their own
traditions that they like and find helpful. We do not proselytize. Your
sense of worth about your own traditions can remain strong within you.
Rituals and traditions in your background express your hopes and a
sense of the sacred in your relationship. They tie you to your families
and wider supportive communities. There is such a wonderful variety of
rituals.
Hindus circle a flame seven times with a prayer for each passing,
participate in the first meal, and recognize the joining of hands. Jews
drink wine and break a wine glass. Catholics include Ave Maria, St.
Francis' prayer, the Lord's Prayer, and candles in their ceremony. Many
couples have begun to use a unity candle during the service to symbolize
the creation of the family. Pagans want to cast a circle and reference
the Goddess. Natives, give blessings to the four directions, an elder
offers smudging with sweet grass, and the couple exchanges gifts.
Everyone brings their own sense of meaning through ritual.
We do not pretend that we do a Catholic service, Jewish or other such
services at our congregation. Elements of those services can be
incorporated, but if you want a true, say, Jewish ceremony, we will help
you find a Rabbi you are comfortable with. It would be wrong for us to
presume to do some things so, for instance, we always ask a Native elder
to smudge. While we are quite flexible, we are still Unitarian, not
Trinitarian, so there are a few limitations about language.
Every couple starts with a booklet, Writing Your Own Wedding Made
Easy. Putting the service together is a labour of love for most couples.
After meeting, we e-mail and fax copies back and forth until everyone is
satisfied.
We make no distinction between straight, gay or lesbian services
other than the fact that the later are not recognized by the province.
We will also marry divorced individuals.
I speak to most couples about some of the findings of family systems
therapy regarding what individuals bring to a marriage from their own
family of origin . . . but premarital counselling is another topic.
Working with couples to craft their marriage experience enriches me.
When I thank them, it is from a place deep within.
Index of Questions asked
by the Citizen and Readers . . .
Q: I am 16 years old and I'm pregnant. Should I have an
abortion?
Q: We are a couple in love, but are from different religious
faiths. Will this be an obstacle to our getting married in a
religious ceremony?
Q: I come from a background of athiests and I want to
embrace a religious faith. What faith should I choose and what
should be the basis of my decision?
Q: My sister tells me that her husband is physically abusing
her. Should I recommend that she see her minister?
Q: How much political commentary during a religious service
is considered ok?
Q: An openly gay member of our congregation has volunteered
to teach children in our church school. How should we proceed
with this request.
Q: My son came home from school with a Christmas gift wish
list as long as his arm. I tried to explain that the spirit of
Christmas is giving, but I fear he may be getting caught up in
the crass materialism that detracts from the way our family
traditionally celebrates Christ's birthday. Without breaking his
heart, how can I keep him focused on the true meaning of
Christmas?
Q: My fiancé wants to have a religious outdoor wedding
ceremony. But as a non-religious, non-baptized person, I feel
uncomfortable with the thought of it. What kind of options do we
have?
Q: Robert Latimer's killing of his severely disabled
daughter tracy and Dr. Jack Kevorkian's first-degree murder
charge for giving a lethal dose of potassium chloride to a man
with Lou Gehrig's disease leave me feeling that there's
something right about what both men have done, yet uneasy
because this could open the floodgates to abuse. What do
religious traditions have to say on this?
Q: I want to go back to religion after many years of not
attending. I am attracted to a conservative religion because of
the sense of spirituality I get at their services. I cannot
practice this orthodox religion because I am gay and have other
theological differences. Is it proper to attend their services
when I do not embrace all of their theological law?
Q: Stanley Faulder's death-sentence in Texas for the 1975
murder of a 75-year-old woman has revived my own struggles with
the death penalty. I understand how some people, particularly
family members of murder victims, might feel justice can only be
served by taking an "eye-for-an-eye" approach to those
that kill in cold blood. But what happens if the wrong person is
convicted and an innocent person is executed? How has your
religious tradition approached this question?
Q: What Difference does it make if I choose not to believe
in God or follow any religion? Why is going to church so
important?
Q: I constantly remind my grandchildren of the importance of
tolerance of people and their beliefs, causes and opinions.
However, I recently found myself at a bit of a loss when asked
to explain the violence during the Kurdish demonstration outside
the Turkish embassy last month, during which some police
officers were injured. My grandchildren don't understand why
something that doesn't involve Canada should place our notions
of peace under attack.
Q: Next week marks Holy week and Passover, when Jews and
Christians will ponder notions of salvation and redemption.
Given the approaching new millenium, some may have apocalyptic
thoughts. A few might plan for the end of the world, the Second
Coming, or the arrival of the Messiah. But should next week hold
any added significance beyond the events themselves?
Q: Tomorrow, I like Christians around the world, will mark
Easter. Did Jesus really rise from the dead and can His
resurrection be proven historically?
Q: Church groups often champion the plight of poor people
and denounce vast accumulations of wealth, Yet many have
considerable bank accounts. Isn't this failing to practise what
they preach?
Q: Is there a Hell? If so, can you explain where it is?
Q: I havve been pondering the contrition offered by U.S.
President Bill Clinton for misleading Americans about his
relationship with Monica Lewinski and by Prime Minister Jean Crétien
for failing to attend King Hussein's funeral. In some quarters,
the apologies have fallen on deaf ears and have generate highly
partisan aattacks on both men. While weset higher standards for
those who lead us, are we becoming too self-righteous and
overlooking the fact that they are only human?
Q: In the past few years, several church groups have
apologized for historical misdeeds. Is saying "sorry"
enough?
Q: As a parent of four, I am outraged by the recent B.C.
Supreme Court ruling that struck down a section of the Criminal
Code that makes it illegal to possess child pornography. have
freedom of expression and the right of privacy guaranteed under
the Charter of rights and Freedoms taken presecedence over basic
morals?
Q: My father is terminally ill and in constant pain.
He is talking about "ending it all," either in a
manner practised by Dr. Jack Kevorkian or by himself. Is
this morally right?
Q: I have never understood salvation. What does it mean to
you?
Q: We recently experienced the terrible horror of the OC
Transpo killings.What is there to say to the family and what
message is there in it for everyone else?
Q: The tragedy that has befallen Kosovo,
particularly its cruel effect on ethnic Albanians, gives me
proof that evil exists in the world and Yugoslav President
Slobodan Milosevic is doing the devil s work. To stop the
carnage and Milosevic, could one morally justify increasing NATO
s military operation, which could result in a global war and
claim more lives?
Q: Why should we keep the reference to God in the
Constitution?
Q: American Baptist minister Rev. Fred Phelps has
threatened to bring his anti-gay message to Ottawa this weekend.
How far should we go to protect free speech, particularly when
it carries a religious context?
Q: Does secularism qualify as a belief system and how would
your religion look upon secualrism?
